Joy To The World

I don't know what happened to my last update, but Blogger seems to have swallowed it.
Anyway, the news is wonderful. In May I gave up my clean-living regimen and went to a few parties, and generally relaxed after a lovely vacation in April. Because of the vacation, I wasn't taking Clomid, just glucophage. I was waiting for my next period to arrive before I went back to the doctor. It didn't arrive, but there's nothing unusual in that.
On June 12, the day before I turned 30, I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to make sure I wouldn't get a nasty surprise on my birthday.
I saw two lines.
Inspite of the number of tests I've done over the years, I had to get the instructions out of the box, lay them next to the test and make sure two lines meant what I thought they meant. Luckily Hubby had not yet left for work, so I called him through to take a look. He, too, read the instructions, read the test, read the instructions, read the test, and stared, dumbfounded at both, then at me. At that point we realised we were both shaking. We hugged, and did a little victory 'bounce' as we hugged.
So I spent part of my 30th birthday at the doctor's having blood drawn. They called me at about 4 pm to say 'it's official'.
We went out for dinner that night and I nursed half a glass of wine. When Hubby got up to go to the bathroom, I thought 'Aw, I'm all alone....no I'm not!"
It has taken a lo-ong time to sink in, but now I have a belly the size of a small borough, and am a week away from my due date.
I prayed almost non-stop for the first three months and am ramping up again as the big day approaches. Everything seems to be going OK so far. I've been fine, if easily exhausted, throughout, and the baby is meeting all its weights and measures tests.
I never thought I would be impatient to NOT be pregnant, but I must admit I am really looking forward to the next stage: to meeting my baby.
I am so blessed.
I wish the same for anyone out there who is struggling with infertility. God bless you all.

Joy To The World

I don't know what happened to my last update, but Blogger seems to have swallowed it.
Anyway, the news is wonderful. In May I gave up my clean-living regimen and went to a few parties, and generally relaxed after a lovely vacation in April. Because of the vacation, I wasn't taking Clomid, just glucophage. I was waiting for my next period to arrive before I went back to the doctor. It didn't arrive, but there's nothing unusual in that.
On June 12, the day before I turned 30, I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to make sure I wouldn't get a nasty surprise on my birthday.
I saw two lines.
Inspite of the number of tests I've done over the years, I had to get the instructions out of the box, lay them next to the test and make sure two lines meant what I thought they meant. Luckily Hubby had not yet left for work, so I called him through to take a look. He, too, read the instructions, read the test, read the instructions, read the test, and stared, dumbfounded at both, then at me. At that point we realised we were both shaking. We hugged, and did a little victory 'bounce' as we hugged.
So I spent part of my 30th birthday at the doctor's having blood drawn. They called me at about 4 pm to say 'it's official'.
We went out for dinner that night and I nursed half a glass of wine. When Hubby got up to go to the bathroom, I thought 'Aw, I'm all alone....no I'm not!"
It has taken a lo-ong time to sink in, but now I have a belly the size of a small borough, and am a week away from my due date.
I prayed almost non-stop for the first three months and am ramping up again as the big day approaches. Everything seems to be going OK so far. I've been fine, if easily exhausted, throughout, and the baby is meeting all its weights and measures tests.
I never thought I would be impatient to NOT be pregnant, but I must admit I am really looking forward to the next stage: to meeting my baby.
I am so blessed.
I wish the same for anyone out there who is struggling with infertility. God bless you all.

A New Year

I know I've been neglecting this log. Not to worry.

Now the doctor has taken me OFF Clomid and put me ON metformin/Glucophage (TM). I'm not having any adverse reactions to it as far as I can tell. Of course I was totally jet-lagged the first three weeks I was taking it so who the heck knows if I was sluggish or not. Did have a regular cycle, though. Woo-hoo! Waiting to see if January will bring the same results. If it does, I'm going to call the doc and say 'well, this is all well and good, but I'm still not getting pregnant. Let's get back to the ovulation stimulation drugs, buddy!'

The idea behind putting me on metformin was that it might make me more responsive to the Clomid. I had only been producing one or no follicles (except for that month where I got, ooo, two). Sometimes PCOS can come along with insulin resistance. Insulin resistance upsets the balance in the endocrine system, and could be contributing to my folliclelessness.

It has been really wierd just not knowing what was going on for the past two months. I had got used to knowing exactly when I was ovulating. I felt it was very old-fashioned to have to guess, and 'go for it' rather randomly!

I've been a bit cranky the past few days, so maybe I'm gearing up for a regular cycle. I should know around the 20th.

Waiting Patiently

Wow. Long time, no post. That's an indication of what a good job I've been doing of not-obsessing.

I actually wonder if that follicle came to anything, after all. That's probably why I'm not wondering whether I'm pg - I'm so sure I'm not. Either that or I'm all hoped-out. I didn't really feel any physical changes this month - sore boobs for a couple of days, no PM moods (yet, but this has been a long cycle, maybe they'll get me next week!). I'm not depressed about it, just really mellow. It's wierd. Perhaps it's because my doc made me so optimistic after my last visit.

It's a good thing I've got other things going on this month to distract me, though.

A New Tube

I just realised that this is the first time (since seeking treatment) that I've had a mature follicle on this side. Every other month I've developed more/more quickly on the other side. So...perhaps this will have more success. Perhaps there is an obstruction on one side and not on the other. Perhaps we'll have practiced enough to get it right this time ;)

Hubby is being upbeat and optimistic. Even though I promised myself I would just prepare myself for disappointment and plan for next month, I'm finding his enthusiasm infectious. That may come back to bite me, but it is really nice to feel like we're doing this together. I obsess so much about this that it's nice to know it is in his thoughts too. Of course, he was talking about it right after sex, but he also mentioned it this morning, a good 12 hours later!

Good doctor visit

My doctor was all frustrated on Friday, because I only have one follicle this cycle and it's taking forever to grow. He was so annoyed that he kind of forgot that I still COULD get pg this cycle. I asked him if it might be related to diet. I mean, I was doing a low-carb diet last month and I wasn't this month. Last month I had three follicles, this month I had one. Before I started on Clomid he did a fasting insulin test. When I asked about diet he said 'hmmm' and that he didn't always trust the results of the insulin tests. He might put me on Metformin, a diabetes drug. Next month, however, I have to have the Hysterosalpingogram done (X-ray of follicle tubes to see if they are blocked). He said I shouldn't go on the Metformin when being injected with the iodide compound used in the x-ray, because that interferes with the way the drug is metabolized. (I love that he talks to me like I'm an intelligent human being!).

I'm trying to remember why insulin resistance is a problem with PCOS. I think the problem is that if you are insulin resistant, you have to much sugar in your blood, and that depresses the amount of estrogen that you produce, which makes you less likely to create follicles and ovulate. Is that it?

When I asked what happens if the tubes are blocked, he grinned evilly and said "We Roto-Rooter them out". For those outside the US, that is a company that cleans out drains by sticking a long wire down the pipe and working out any obstructions. He mimed the process, too, with relish. Made me laugh.

He also said that usually people are more fertile after the hysterosalpingogram, because forcing iodine through the tubes, flushes them out too. So I left feeling pretty optimistic - not for this cycle, but for the future. It seems like I'm a few more steps away from IVF than I had thought. I'm also still a couple of steps away from injectable drugs, since he's thinking of keeping me on Clomid but giving me the diabetes drug.

So here I am. Waiting. Oh yes, and going for it, because I was supposed to ovulate yesterday. I was feeling some pain (slight) on Sunday morning or Saturday night AND and Sunday evening my boobs started to get a little sore. I 'attacked' hubby yesterday morning, but he didn't seem to mind. Must do the same after work, today. We're not exactly over-doing it, but hey, he had a hard weekend...

Rationalizing To Hell

Hmmm...After all my rationalising about IVF and how it's not bad because the cells don't differentiate until after implantation, one of my best friends came around and blew that all away by saying 'yes, but science can't see the soul. The soul is there as soon as it's formed. It is an individual, all the DNA is there - the eye color, the fingerprints...'.

I sat there staring at her like 'Don't you know this is exactly what I don't want to hear?' but what kind of friend would she be if she only told me what I wanted to hear? I can't be bothered being surrounded by that kind of person. If I want seomone to tell me I'm right all the time, I just need to listen to myself!

Mostly Happy

Thank goodness I've started to feel mostly excited and only a little envious (but a smiling envy) when I think of our friends and their twin pregnancy.

I always find the idea of someone I know being pregnant absolutely amazing. I keep thinking of her and going "wow! She has a baby, two babies, living and growing inside her". It changes my whole perspective. I think it's pretty amazing, sacred or something. I am totally in awe of my friends when they are pregnant for the first time - less so the second time, because I've already seen them turn into mothers by that point. But the first time, they go from being just one of your buddies, like any friend when you were at school, to a new type of being - a mother-in-the-making. I'm excited for them now, and pleased.

I had a discussion with hubby on the night he told me, where I talked about my concerns about IVF. I am not comfortable with the idea of fertilizing 17 eggs and leaving 15 of them sitting in a petrie dish. I mean, don't they all have the potential to become distinct individuals? Isn't it wrong to create them and not give them a chance at life? HE pointed out that it's not just the fertilization but being in the right environment that makes them potential lives. That sounded like semantics to me. I mean, how can you decide when life actually begins if it doesn't begin when the sperm and ovum merge?

Of course, I want to believe that it's not morally dodgy, because if it comes to it, I'm sure I'm going to want to give it a try. It's all very well from this distance to say 'oo, my morals won't allow me to do that', but faced with the very real chance that it could result in a biological child for us, and that it was our only hope...I'm not sure how strong my resolve would be. Yes I am: I'm sure it would be weak.

So I looked at some websites that talk about gestation. It seems like the cells only differentiate into what will be the placenta and what will be the embryo, after implantation. This may give me some 'out'. Yes, the DNA is all there, at fertilization, but it really is just a clump of undifferentiated cells, at that point. I'm still not convinced, but it's something to think about. I'm going to try to get some more scientific information on this and try to figure out where I am. I'm scared to pray about it because what if I get the message that it's wrong? I know hubby doesn't think it is wrong, and how could I deny him the opportunity to be a biological father, because of something I can't prove scientifically, and that he thinks is mumbo-jumbo?

Eh. I think I'll ask my doctor. I know I'm not facing IVF yet, but I might have to. I'd rather know now if I'm going to be able to go through with it, than just worry about the decision every time my period comes (and every time my period comes, I'm one step closer to that option).

I'm going to ask him because, although he's obviously in favour of IVF and not likely to give me an unbiased opinion, he also must have a sound understanding of the biology and chemistry of the events. If I ask him why he doesn't have a problem with it, he might be able to tell me something I hadn't known or thought of. He may look at me like I'm crazy, but I think he'll give me a serious answer. He's good that way.