BabyQuest

2003-02-07T08:55:00.000-08:00

Joy To The World

I don't know what happened to my last update, but Blogger seems to have swallowed it.
Anyway, the news is wonderful. In May I gave up my clean-living regimen and went to a few parties, and generally relaxed after a lovely vacation in April. Because of the vacation, I wasn't taking Clomid, just glucophage. I was waiting for my next period to arrive before I went back to the doctor. It didn't arrive, but there's nothing unusual in that.
On June 12, the day before I turned 30, I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to make sure I wouldn't get a nasty surprise on my birthday.
I saw two lines.
Inspite of the number of tests I've done over the years, I had to get the instructions out of the box, lay them next to the test and make sure two lines meant what I thought they meant. Luckily Hubby had not yet left for work, so I called him through to take a look. He, too, read the instructions, read the test, read the instructions, read the test, and stared, dumbfounded at both, then at me. At that point we realised we were both shaking. We hugged, and did a little victory 'bounce' as we hugged.
So I spent part of my 30th birthday at the doctor's having blood drawn. They called me at about 4 pm to say 'it's official'.
We went out for dinner that night and I nursed half a glass of wine. When Hubby got up to go to the bathroom, I thought 'Aw, I'm all alone....no I'm not!"
It has taken a lo-ong time to sink in, but now I have a belly the size of a small borough, and am a week away from my due date.
I prayed almost non-stop for the first three months and am ramping up again as the big day approaches. Everything seems to be going OK so far. I've been fine, if easily exhausted, throughout, and the baby is meeting all its weights and measures tests.
I never thought I would be impatient to NOT be pregnant, but I must admit I am really looking forward to the next stage: to meeting my baby.
I am so blessed.
I wish the same for anyone out there who is struggling with infertility. God bless you all.

2003-02-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

Joy To The World

2002-01-18T06:31:00.000-08:00

A New Year

I know I've been neglecting this log. Not to worry.

Now the doctor has taken me OFF Clomid and put me ON metformin/Glucophage (TM). I'm not having any adverse reactions to it as far as I can tell. Of course I was totally jet-lagged the first three weeks I was taking it so who the heck knows if I was sluggish or not. Did have a regular cycle, though. Woo-hoo! Waiting to see if January will bring the same results. If it does, I'm going to call the doc and say 'well, this is all well and good, but I'm still not getting pregnant. Let's get back to the ovulation stimulation drugs, buddy!'

The idea behind putting me on metformin was that it might make me more responsive to the Clomid. I had only been producing one or no follicles (except for that month where I got, ooo, two). Sometimes PCOS can come along with insulin resistance. Insulin resistance upsets the balance in the endocrine system, and could be contributing to my folliclelessness.

It has been really wierd just not knowing what was going on for the past two months. I had got used to knowing exactly when I was ovulating. I felt it was very old-fashioned to have to guess, and 'go for it' rather randomly!

I've been a bit cranky the past few days, so maybe I'm gearing up for a regular cycle. I should know around the 20th.

2001-11-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

Waiting Patiently

Wow. Long time, no post. That's an indication of what a good job I've been doing of not-obsessing.

I actually wonder if that follicle came to anything, after all. That's probably why I'm not wondering whether I'm pg - I'm so sure I'm not. Either that or I'm all hoped-out. I didn't really feel any physical changes this month - sore boobs for a couple of days, no PM moods (yet, but this has been a long cycle, maybe they'll get me next week!). I'm not depressed about it, just really mellow. It's wierd. Perhaps it's because my doc made me so optimistic after my last visit.

It's a good thing I've got other things going on this month to distract me, though.

2001-11-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

A New Tube

I just realised that this is the first time (since seeking treatment) that I've had a mature follicle on this side. Every other month I've developed more/more quickly on the other side. So...perhaps this will have more success. Perhaps there is an obstruction on one side and not on the other. Perhaps we'll have practiced enough to get it right this time ;)

Hubby is being upbeat and optimistic. Even though I promised myself I would just prepare myself for disappointment and plan for next month, I'm finding his enthusiasm infectious. That may come back to bite me, but it is really nice to feel like we're doing this together. I obsess so much about this that it's nice to know it is in his thoughts too. Of course, he was talking about it right after sex, but he also mentioned it this morning, a good 12 hours later!

2001-11-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

Good doctor visit

My doctor was all frustrated on Friday, because I only have one follicle this cycle and it's taking forever to grow. He was so annoyed that he kind of forgot that I still COULD get pg this cycle. I asked him if it might be related to diet. I mean, I was doing a low-carb diet last month and I wasn't this month. Last month I had three follicles, this month I had one. Before I started on Clomid he did a fasting insulin test. When I asked about diet he said 'hmmm' and that he didn't always trust the results of the insulin tests. He might put me on Metformin, a diabetes drug. Next month, however, I have to have the Hysterosalpingogram done (X-ray of follicle tubes to see if they are blocked). He said I shouldn't go on the Metformin when being injected with the iodide compound used in the x-ray, because that interferes with the way the drug is metabolized. (I love that he talks to me like I'm an intelligent human being!).

I'm trying to remember why insulin resistance is a problem with PCOS. I think the problem is that if you are insulin resistant, you have to much sugar in your blood, and that depresses the amount of estrogen that you produce, which makes you less likely to create follicles and ovulate. Is that it?

When I asked what happens if the tubes are blocked, he grinned evilly and said "We Roto-Rooter them out". For those outside the US, that is a company that cleans out drains by sticking a long wire down the pipe and working out any obstructions. He mimed the process, too, with relish. Made me laugh.

He also said that usually people are more fertile after the hysterosalpingogram, because forcing iodine through the tubes, flushes them out too. So I left feeling pretty optimistic - not for this cycle, but for the future. It seems like I'm a few more steps away from IVF than I had thought. I'm also still a couple of steps away from injectable drugs, since he's thinking of keeping me on Clomid but giving me the diabetes drug.

So here I am. Waiting. Oh yes, and going for it, because I was supposed to ovulate yesterday. I was feeling some pain (slight) on Sunday morning or Saturday night AND and Sunday evening my boobs started to get a little sore. I 'attacked' hubby yesterday morning, but he didn't seem to mind. Must do the same after work, today. We're not exactly over-doing it, but hey, he had a hard weekend...

2001-11-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

Rationalizing To Hell

Hmmm...After all my rationalising about IVF and how it's not bad because the cells don't differentiate until after implantation, one of my best friends came around and blew that all away by saying 'yes, but science can't see the soul. The soul is there as soon as it's formed. It is an individual, all the DNA is there - the eye color, the fingerprints...'.

I sat there staring at her like 'Don't you know this is exactly what I don't want to hear?' but what kind of friend would she be if she only told me what I wanted to hear? I can't be bothered being surrounded by that kind of person. If I want seomone to tell me I'm right all the time, I just need to listen to myself!

2001-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Mostly Happy

Thank goodness I've started to feel mostly excited and only a little envious (but a smiling envy) when I think of our friends and their twin pregnancy.

I always find the idea of someone I know being pregnant absolutely amazing. I keep thinking of her and going "wow! She has a baby, two babies, living and growing inside her". It changes my whole perspective. I think it's pretty amazing, sacred or something. I am totally in awe of my friends when they are pregnant for the first time - less so the second time, because I've already seen them turn into mothers by that point. But the first time, they go from being just one of your buddies, like any friend when you were at school, to a new type of being - a mother-in-the-making. I'm excited for them now, and pleased.

I had a discussion with hubby on the night he told me, where I talked about my concerns about IVF. I am not comfortable with the idea of fertilizing 17 eggs and leaving 15 of them sitting in a petrie dish. I mean, don't they all have the potential to become distinct individuals? Isn't it wrong to create them and not give them a chance at life? HE pointed out that it's not just the fertilization but being in the right environment that makes them potential lives. That sounded like semantics to me. I mean, how can you decide when life actually begins if it doesn't begin when the sperm and ovum merge?

Of course, I want to believe that it's not morally dodgy, because if it comes to it, I'm sure I'm going to want to give it a try. It's all very well from this distance to say 'oo, my morals won't allow me to do that', but faced with the very real chance that it could result in a biological child for us, and that it was our only hope...I'm not sure how strong my resolve would be. Yes I am: I'm sure it would be weak.

So I looked at some websites that talk about gestation. It seems like the cells only differentiate into what will be the placenta and what will be the embryo, after implantation. This may give me some 'out'. Yes, the DNA is all there, at fertilization, but it really is just a clump of undifferentiated cells, at that point. I'm still not convinced, but it's something to think about. I'm going to try to get some more scientific information on this and try to figure out where I am. I'm scared to pray about it because what if I get the message that it's wrong? I know hubby doesn't think it is wrong, and how could I deny him the opportunity to be a biological father, because of something I can't prove scientifically, and that he thinks is mumbo-jumbo?

Eh. I think I'll ask my doctor. I know I'm not facing IVF yet, but I might have to. I'd rather know now if I'm going to be able to go through with it, than just worry about the decision every time my period comes (and every time my period comes, I'm one step closer to that option).

I'm going to ask him because, although he's obviously in favour of IVF and not likely to give me an unbiased opinion, he also must have a sound understanding of the biology and chemistry of the events. If I ask him why he doesn't have a problem with it, he might be able to tell me something I hadn't known or thought of. He may look at me like I'm crazy, but I think he'll give me a serious answer. He's good that way.

2001-10-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

Another Day

Had a fairly wacky, up and down kind of night last night. Pretty depressed when I went to bed, just a low-level of background unhappiness. I think it might be the pills/hormones. I seem to remember feeling this way last month.

Felt better when I woke up this morning, though. Getting lots of work done. Hmm, sounds a bit manic, really...oh well.

2001-10-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

Good News, Bad News

Hubby just called to tell me his best friend's wife is expecting twins. I'm thrilled for them, but I can't help being jealous.

Our husbands started work together, we've partied together for years, we're the same age and stage of life. I had thought they were trying for some time, and that nothing was happening, but I didn't realise how hard they were trying. This is an IVF success.

In a way it encourages me. But I don't want to get to the IVF stage. I have moral concerns about it. I'm not sure that finding out IVF is the only option won't mean the end of the road for me.

And it's another kid-free couple biting the dust. I think we're the last now. Oh no, there's one other couple, newly-married, in our group.

I know that if nothing has happened for us by the time their babies (babies, that's so great!) are born, I am going to find it really difficult to go over there. And yet I feel bad because I'm really happy for them. They must have been going through what I'm going through for a good couple of years.

I just can't get as unreservedly excited over this one because of how it makes me feel (green eyed monster, ahoy). And THAT makes me feel bad, but I guess it's natural. I just need a minute to get used to the idea. I'll be thrilled tomorrow.

2001-10-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Routine and Freedom

Ahhh...that was nice, and the visitors certainly took my mind off the fact that another month has gone by without a ++ result. I've also been busy work-wise, things are shaping up for my consulting business. Not huge money yet, but contacts and confidence. Met a really great contact on Friday night at a conference...had lots of promising leads.

I'm on the second-last day of this month's Clomid regime. Is it just me or does this stuff make you tetchy? I know, I know I said I wasn't having any side effects, but I'm noticing that I get a little short-tempered when I start taking it. I don't know if it's the drugs or the knowledge that we're about to go again - it's almost a relief when my period comes and I know I won't have to think about it again for another week or so.

My eyes are really dry when I wake up in the mornings. I get the crazy lightning-effects. I'm trying to keep a bottle of eyedrops handy at all times. That reminds me, I've been staring at this computer screen for wa-ay too long this morning. I'm off to stretch and find some eye drops. (I did a little dance in the kitchen while taking my pills this morning. I had been working and had all this pent-up energy inside me, so I jigged from foot to foot while waiting for my coffee to heat up. I was suddenly struck by how nice it is not to work in an office, or have people looking to you to set an example. I can run around and do jigs in my jammies whenever I want to. God bless A's overqualification and large salary).

2001-10-15T05:20:00.000-07:00

A Whine and Some Wine

This period has been very light. I even tried to do a preg test yesterday, just to be sure, but the test was a dud.

The visitors arrived and I drank too much wine last night, so it's probably a good thing I'm not pg!

2001-10-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

Damn

It didn't come and didn't come and just when I'd started letting my hopes get up...it came. I hadn't felt any pain for about 24 hours and hubby was being optimistic.

Oh well. At least it's here now and I know.

I'm supposed to have a hysterosalpingogram done. I chickened out in month three and messed up the timing last month, so I really should have it this cycle. The problem is that I'm supposed to do it between days 3 and 11, and I'm having visitors all next week. I guess maybe they could do it on the following Monday but they might not like to leave it that late. I'll call the office and find out.

Here we go again...

2001-10-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

Better

I'm feeling better this morning. I'm still having stomach pains, but the mental pains are pretty much over with. I think. It didn't last too long, probably because I talked about it with the one person who really matters.

There's an article here about how to decide when to end treatment. I'm not there yet, but it is something a lot of people have to think about at some point.

Meanwhile, perhaps I'll be able to concentrate and get some work done today...

(no bleeding yet)

2001-10-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

Boo!

[delayed post from last night when Blogger was down]

Well, I had some definite cramps this afternoon. Just as hubbie came in from work. He made some cracks about the housework, asked me what was up, and didn't really get it when I morosely told him the problem.

I went into another room to do some stuff and he followed me, to find me sniffing. I haven't cried when I've got my period before, but this time just seems different. I mean, things went really well and it still didn't work. Every time it fails I face the possibility that it will never work. Thinking about this I started howling - shocking hubby somewhat. He immediately hugged me and apologized for being insensitive and told me it was ok. He even acknowledged my fears about it not working and very sincerely let me know he is ok with that too. Told me he loves me. And we do have fun together.

So, long story short, I'm still bummed but I feel a lot better for talking to him.

Bleeding hasn't started yet but I'm 99 per cent sure it will.

Ah well.

Seriously thinking about taking a month off to get my head together.

2001-10-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

Suspense and Obsession

Definitely feeling heavier in my belly and obsessing about what this means. I mean, it's inevitable at this point in a cycle that the lining of the uterus is thickening, but now that I can feel it I am wondering whether it means my period is coming or....I daren't think it.

I have felt this way so many times before and it has, obviously, always ended up in a period not a pregnancy, that I can't imagine it's anything else. I'm trying to prepare myself for disappointment.

Sorry for the downer entry.

As a reward for reading this far, here's another article about controversial new advances in fertility treatment. This one is about a clinic that is allowing parents to select the gender of their child - for non-medical reasons.

2001-10-09T19:14:00.000-07:00

Harmony and Disharmony

I went to my choir tonight and couldn't concentrate for the first hour of the rehearsal. I had just picked up a book written by a school-mate of mine, and had been browsing other people's blogs and my mind was racing with all the things I could have or should have done. Is this the start of PMS? That was the other thing that kept running through my head during the rehearsal 'oo, what was that, was that a cramp? oh no, surely not. How will I cope if my period comes, I was really hoping this month would be the month...'

Eventually I started paying attention and it helped that we are doing gorgeous settings of some American hymns. One of the most beautiful was all about how wonderful heaven will be and how that's our ultimate goal..."the eden of love". I felt a lot better after that.

I am not feeling too hopeful about this cycle at this point. :(

Hubby is so excited. Keeps asking me how it's going. The good thing is he's really on-side now. He's getting more and more involved, which is helping me, emotionally. Might have to ask for some cuddles later.

2001-10-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

Cloning

Just saw this article about the progress of the group trying to clone a human. They say they're close.

This has to be a tough issue for infertile couples. I mean, if this becomes possible it will mean that you can have your own biological child (for certain people anyway - women currently using donor eggs etc.). It's amazingly controversial now, but so was IVF when it was first proposed. You rarely hear arguments about doctors playing God any more around IVF -- even when they select the sperm and inject it into the selected ovum. IVF is almost commonplace.

My prediction: if they make cloning work, the brouhaha will die down within 10-20 years and it will become common. It will just be another option in infertility treatment. Seems wierd now, but, if they make it work it will become the next step after failed IVF.

So should we be doing human cloning research?

2001-10-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Vesuvius

I have a small volcano on my face along with other mountainous pimples. Hmmmm...ain't hormones grand? I am not going to second-guess this, I am not going to second-guess this, I am not... too late.

I'm still a few days away from the moment of truth. And I have to do some real work today. I must not obsess or spend all day online checking resources and message boards!

2001-10-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Power of Prayer

Wow!

I just saw a Reuters article that cited a study saying women in fertility treatments who are prayed for, had a sigificantly increased chance of conceiving.

The subjects and their medical staff did not know they were being prayed for. The people doing the study gave pictures of the women to Christians of various denominations in the US, Canada and Australia, and asked them to pray for successful fertility efforts.

The women who were prayed for had a significantly higher success rate than those who weren't. The researchers said they were leary of publishing the results (because they make no scientific sense) but the difference was too significant to ignore.

How cool is that? (Remember, I said I believe in God and the power of prayer in the intro to this weblog, so don't bother trying to engage me in a faith/no-faith debate. I can get that at home).

I'm stoked by this, because I have a powerhouse prayer group of mostly-mothers prayer with me about this fertility stuff. Of course, the answer may still be 'no', but it does feel good to know they are there, praying for success and for strength, for me, and that even skeptical scientists have found out what we've known for some time now: prayer counts.

2001-10-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

Sites for The Obsessed

In the couple of days after ovulation, I desperately wanted to know what was going on, minute-by-minute. I found a few great resources that show the whole gestation period in detail. One is a cartoon version from the University of Pennsylvania's medical school. It was great - shows you what's happening day by day and explains it in a little window to the side of the pictures. I have been having problems loading it the past couple of times I've been there but you can give it a shot anyway.

The other I found in a link from the Discovery Channel and is aimed at teachers but it shows actual imagery of the cells. It is quite scientific and doesn't do any of the 'if you're pregnant this is how you'll be feeling today' that you will get at the more general (week by week instead of day by day - which at this point seems like torturously long intervals) overview at Babycenter.com.

2001-10-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

Month Four - September 2001

This is the current month (this cycle started in September, and will end one way or the other in a week or so).

Took 200mg of Clomid on the first few days this month, and then 150mg for the next few days. Got the whacky visual side-effects again. It was pretty cool actually. Standing by my front door at night, looking down the street, watching a little fireworks show that only I could see.

I could feel my ovaries working this month. Actually I could feel the left one doing something (for the first time). I remember sitting the night before my appointment and feeling a pressure low on my left side. I said to my husband "I bet I have a follicle on the left, this time". He looked at my quizzically and said "Wierd!". I think he finds it wierd that I would know what's going on inside my body. But then again, I'm getting to see the inside of my body quite a lot, so it's not so surprising.

When I went in the next day, the ultrasound showed three (count 'em! Three!) follicles, two on the left and one on the right. The one on the right was the biggest, with one of the lefties close behind. The second one on the right was about 4mm behind the other two. I was so thrilled. This was really going to enhance my chance of conceiving. It is also possible that I might get twins or triplets, but since I haven't been able to conceive when I release one egg, I wasn't too worried about all of a sudden having a spectacular result.

My excitement disappeared however, when they did the post-coital test. They said the cervical mucus (someone has to come up with a better name for such a wonderful fluid - the fluid that welcomes sperm and helps them get where they're going, at the right time of the month) wasn't good. It is supposed to be clear and stretchy but it was cloudy and, er, what ever the opposite of 'stretchy' is. The technician kept saying 'ah well, sometimes as you approach ovulation and start creating more estrogen the mucus improves'. I was convinced that she was humoring me and that all was lost. She showed me the slide which had two lethargic sperm wriggling around and a bunch of dead ones. I felt ridiculously guilty that my body was killing off my husband's 'boys'. Plus I was convinced that this cycle was going to be another dud, just like month two.

I went in to see the doc and he said that sometimes Clomid does affect the quality of the mucus after you've been on it for a few months - dries you out. He also said that it might improve over the next couple of days, so we'd wait and see. However, if it didn't look good we should start talking about moving on to injectable drugs. He said if things didn't improve this cycle, and I was feeling adventurous, we could move straight on to injectables next month. If, however, I was feeling laid back and not fretting, he'd probably continue me on Clomid for a couple more cycles.

Since I don't really want to have to go to injectables if I can avoid it, and since I'm not feeling desperate (the second month's failure helped me to take a more long-term approach to this), I said 'I'll probably stick with the pills'. He was fine with that.

I went back two days later (a Friday) and the ultrasound showed that the two main follicles were big and that the third one was trying to catch up. It also showed the one on the right starting to get a little distorted. Usually it's kind of bean-shaped. This day it was sort of elongated at one end. The tech said that could be it getting ready to release the egg. I thought that was pretty exciting - seeing it doing its thing. I asked what it would look like if the egg had been released. She said they looked cone-shaped or flattened. Interesting.

As soon as the other tech did the post-coital test, she make happy noises and said 'ooo, your mucus looks great!'. Now where else in my life and I going to have an experience like that? Someone else, looking at my cerival mucus and going 'oo, oo' because it is particularly slippery. I tell you, when my gyn suggested going to the specialist, I was all for it not just for the baby, but for the whole experience. I knew it would give me some stories to tell!

So, that cheered me up, no end. I was so surprised. I had really prepared myself for a bad result. But instead, I got to see hubby's 'boys' wriggling around happily amongst the cells and fluid on the slide (still a strange experience).

Dr. P. was happy too. He said that this dose was obviously a good one, that I stood a good chance of becoming pregnant this cycle, but if I didn't he'd be happy sticking with Clomid for the next couple of cycles. I had talked to my husband in the interim and he had agreed that he wasn't in so much of a hurry as to need to move to the injectable drugs yet. He was, however, disturbingly gleeful at the prospect of getting to inject me in the butt with a long needle.

Talking to my husband about this option let him talk a little about his feelings. I was not suprised to learn that he didn't really feel this was real yet. Although we've been 'not not trying' for a couple of years, we never really expected to get pregnant without help. And I've 'only' been seeing the doctor for four months, which doesn't seem like a long time to him, and doesn't really have an impact on his day-to-day life. (I have been making appointments on weekday mornings, so he hasn't been able to come). Not that he's not all for it. It just doesn't seem real to him.

So here we are. Waiting. Again.

I did obsess in the first few days after ovulation - it was during those days that I decided to start this weblog. I figured I would obsess here in the hope that other women going through this would see that they are not the only ones, and that they're not entirely crazy. I've been on lots of message boards, but it's hard to follow the threads. I would love to be able to check real-time updates someone going through this ... so I decided to create that very thing.

Unfortunately I fell kind of behind while filling you in on the background. However, take it from me, the first few days after ovulation were filled with sore boobs and trips to the bathroom to whip 'em out and see if the areolas were darker (supposedly an early sign of possible pregnancy). They were, but I think they also got darker for a few days in the first cycle, when nothing happened. They were very painful, however, which was a constant reminder of my situation.

I am now at 10 days post-ovulation. The soreness has died down a bit and I don't feel any different. I have been feeling some discomfort at what I imagine is the base of my right fallopian tube. People talk about feeling cramps when the egg implants, which should have happened by now if it was going to. I haven't felt that. Nor have I had any spotting, which sometimes accompanies it. However, that's only a 'sometimes'. Some women get neither.

I am not moody yet, but I can't remember when that would kick in if it's going to. I'm also distracted because my parents have just announced that they are coming to visit in a week's time. I'm very excited about that because I haven't seen them for a year and two months (not that I'm counting). They've been talking about it for about a month, but after the September 11 attacks, we thought they weren't going to come. Then they decided to come anyway and booked flights. (Then the US and UK bombed Afghanistan...but I think they're still coming). So I'm alternately worried and excited about that. We spent the weekend doing projects around the house, so I really didn't have too much time to obsess. Am I making up for it now?

2001-10-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Month Three - August 2001

In the third month, I tried to get my eating under control (had been a little out of control) and took a slightly higher dose of clomiphene citrate. I was supposed to have a hysterosalpingogram (basically, they inject dye into your uterus and then look to see if your fallopian tubes are open). However, my doctor was away and the office said that I could wait until he came back if I wanted. Since I wasn't crazy about having this uncomfortable and invasive procedure done I said "I'll wait" -- of course, thinking that perhaps I'd get pregnant and not need it at all!

I went to the office around day 14 and was told that there was one immature follicle. I came back at the end of the week and was told that it was ready. Unfortunately on that Friday afternoon my husband was told he had a big meeting on the Monday with the uber-boss and his bosses expected him to prepare a presentation (when?). So, he was somewhat pre-occupied over the weekend and wasn't feeling terribly romantic. We soldiered on, but I wasn't too surprised when, a couple of weeks later, I felt crampy. He was still excited and hoping I might be pregnant, which is very sweet and reassuring. Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing this and it's all about me - because I'm the one going to all the appointments, and counting the days and so on. When he gets excited and hopeful, it reassures me that this is something we're doing together. And that is so important.

I also got really moody this month - another reason I suspected my period was coming. I don't have regular periods so I don't know how I normally react to ovulation, but my sister always says she knew she was pregnant when her pre-menstrual moods didn't come. In fact, her husband always noticed it first! I guess she's pretty moody.

Anyway, I has some pretty black moods and felt really anxious all the time. This was around the time of the September 11 attacks too, though, so I wasn't feeling too chipper, anyway, but I really suspected that my feelings were being amplified by hormones. I'm usually pretty even, emotionally.

Oh, and I forgot to mention side-effects. Some people say 'I hate the way I feel on Clomid', but I haven't noticed any real changes for the worse. BUT this month I had some wierd visual effects. Mostly at night when I was driving, which was a bit distracting. If I saw a small light (like the items displayed on my dashboard, or small lights in people's gardens), I also saw a kind of trail of light as I moved my eyes away. It's really hard to describe, but it was almost like a hexagon of tiny sharp lines of light travelling around the edges of my peripheral vision whenever I looked at, and looked away from, lights. It only happened on one of the nights when I was taking Clomid, and it was a day when I had just put new contact lenses in, so I wasn't sure it was a side effect. By the time my appointment with the doc rolled around, I had kind of forgotten and didn't mention it.

Anyway, that was month three. I wasn't obsessing and monitoring my physical condition, but I don't remember feeling any physical changes until I started getting crampy. Of course, the affairs of the nation seemed more important than anything I could be worrying about.

2001-10-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

Month Two - July 2001

The second month I took my pills again, and trotted into the doctor's office for the follow up. I really think this is the only way to go when taking a fertility drug. I've heard of some doctors who give their patients six months' worth and send them on their way. These poor women just take the pills and hope they're getting the timing right. This month was a good example of why monitoring is good.

I gaily slid into the stirrups (it was becoming routine by now) and watched the ultrasound monitor with anticipation. But there was nothing there. Not nothing, obviously, I mean all my bits were still there and in the right place, but there was no follicle. Not on the left, not on the right.

I was SO disappointed. My doctor saw it straight away. He was very sympathetic and told me not to be too hard on myself, after all, here I was doing all the right things and nothing had happened. Not to mention that I had all these mega-doses of hormones running through my system... But I still felt really, really discouraged.

A few days later, when I was still down, I realised why I was so upset. I have always know that there was something wrong, from about age 14 when I still wasn't getting regular periods. Even after I was diagnosed, I was in no hurry to have kids, so I continued to think "I'll just worry about that when the time comes".

Well, all of a sudden the time had come. And I wasn't responding to the treatment that my earlier doctors had discussed in such a cavalier manner. For the first time in, oh, 15 years, I had to really face all the fears that I had been suppressing about this. What if it didn't work? Why hadn't it worked this time? Would it ever work again? What if I really couldn't get pregnant.

When I realised why I was so down, I gave myself permission to wallow and grieve and obsess for a couple of hours. I went online and read lots of other women's stories. I cried. I raged. (Luckily I was a work-from-home freelancer by this point - the only reason I had time for the doctor's visits, too). After a while I had thought about it for so long I couldn't think about it any more. I decided to use this month to exercise and eat right and drink all the wine I wanted, since I wasn't going to get pregnant! Then we'd just start all over again next month.

But if my doctor hadn't been monitoring, I would never have known. I would have gone through the whole 'am I or aren't I' cycle leading up to a period that wouldn't have come and my hopes would have been way up...This way even when I look back from the start of Month Four, I can say 'well, I only actually ovulated twice although we've been doing this for three months'. Somehow that seems a little better. At least we're not just getting it wrong!

2001-10-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Treatment Begins

As predicted, the doctor recommended clomiphene citrate (aka Clomid). This stimulates the ovaries and makes them produce a follicle, from which comes an egg. This is, of course, what I was not doing.

He gave me all kinds of great literature about what happens in your body, side effects, medical studies, success rates (most women with PCOS who take clomiphene citrate do ovulate but only half become pregnant). However, I was convinced that this was going to do the trick. And why not this month, wouldn't that be nice?

After taking my pills for six days, I waited another eight days and then went back for monitoring. It was quite amazing. I had a transvaginal ultrasound. This consists of a rather phallic probe being inserted into the vagina (liberally lubricated and wearing its own little condom). Then they can angle it left and right and look at both ovaries as well as the lining of the uterus. When they looked ath the right ovary, there was a big dark blob, right where it should be. A follicle! The technician measured it and told me it was about 24mm and that they usually release an egg when they are between 22 and 26mm (that's about 2 1/2 cm or about an inch. Quite big, I thought).

After the ultrasound, they did a post-coital test. We had been told to have intercourse the night before my appointment. The test involved scraping out some of my fluids, smearing it on a slide and then looking at it under a microscope. The fun part was that I got to see my husbands sperm partying away on a monitor. They were plentiful and partying - a good thing, because if your cervical mucus is not good, it can kill his 'boys'.

At this appointment they also took blood. They analysed my hormone levels to see when I was going to ovulate and called me later that afternoon to say 'tonight's the night'.

We were pretty excited and giggled a lot. I couldn't imagine how these women on the infertility message boards could talk about sex becoming a chore. This was fun!

A couple of days later my boobs started getting really sore and stayed that way. I went around to see my friend and her brand-new baby and confided in her (because I had to. I was going to burst if I didn't talk to someone). She obviously still had all those childbirth-hormones in her system because she got all teary-eyed and we got excited together. She asked if my boobs were normally sore before a period but of course I have no way of knowing how my body 'normally' reacts after ovulation because I do it so infrequently.

I really thought we had nailed it on the first attempt. Even when, two weeks later, I started getting crampy feelings I knew it could be a period coming, but a small voice kept saying 'yeah, but you don't know what it feels like to be pregnant. Maybe this is it'.

It wasn't. One Sunday morning I did a home pregnancy test, even though I was pretty sceptical. Sure enough it was negative (I've seen so many of them - having infrequent periods means that I've used lots of them in the past - and have ranged from 'oh God, not now' to 'oh God, please be yes'. I can't imagine ever seeing one with TWO lines on it. *sigh*)

Later that day, of course, my period came. But I wasn't too discouraged. It was only the first attempt after all. Next month it'll all be different. And it was...

2001-10-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

1999-2000

In early 1999 we decided to not not try to have a family. We weren't going to actively try (no charting, no ovulation kits, no trips to the specialist) but we weren't going to do anything to stop it either. I was a little nervous because I loved my job and had a long commute and wondered what would happen if I did get pregnant, but I really didn't expect anything to happen straight away. And it didn't.

By June 2000 I was starting to admit to people that yes, I would like to have babies (which made all my younger and unmarried friends go 'ooooh!' because it sounded so grown-up and they probably thought I was going to pop one out right away). By November I'd seriously started to think about it and, at my annual OB/GYN check-up, I told my new doctor all about it and how I'd like to get moving on this baby-thing.

Because of another medical issue I was forced to avoid conception for three months and was ironically in the position of going on the pill. However, my gyn told me that this might actually help. Sometimes when people come off the pill their bodies have all the right hormones in all the right places and are actually more regular than they were before. It had never happened to me but, since I wasn't desperate, I went along with her.

About a month after my pill regime ended, she wisely said "let's not waste any more time. Let's send you to a reproductive endocrinologist" and recommended a nearby practice. She said "if anyone can get you pregnant, it's these guys!".

They were so popular that I had to wait a month before I could have an initial consultation with the doctor. But I was glad I waited. Dr P has a dry wit and a wonderful stirrup-side manner. He even talks to you like you are an intelligent adult, capable of understanding stuff!

2001-10-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

A Little History

I always knew something was wrong, because although I was a big, strapping girl, I didn't get my periods until after the little skinny, under-developed girls. Even then, they didn't come regularly. Every doctor, until I was 22 and about to get married, said 'eh, you'll grow out of it'. Finally I found a doctor (my first woman doc) who said 'oh no, that's not right. Let's find out what's going on'. The specialist told me I probably had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which means I don't often ovulate.

They told me that when the time came to have babies, I'd probably just be given an ovulation stimulator like clomiphene citrate and that would jump-start me. They were quite casual as I seemed to have a mild case and it's a fairly common condition.

So I pushed down all worries and got on with being a new wife and career woman. That was 1995.

2001-10-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

OK, here's the story - and a warning for the squeamish. This journal is going to be about trying to conceive. It is going to contain information about bleeding, mucus, transvaginal ultrasounds, needles, side-effects and sex. So why am I doing it?

I'm writing this journal because I find comfort in reading the obsessive rantings of otherwise rational infertile women, posted when they are in the dreaded 'am I or aren't I?' period. I'm hoping others will find the same comfort, reading this. There is a great community of infertile women online and a lot of information gets shared. I'm seeing a great doctor and want to share what I've learned. Also, I just want a place where I can rant and obsess, and where, hopefully I can post good news and chart a successful pregnancy. Or adoption. Or however things turn out.

Other warnings:
I believe in God and the power of prayer (although not the power to get anything I want by prayer). This may come up. If you are offended by faith, well, urm, just skip those parts.
I am not using my own name, but this is not fiction.
Postings are likely to sporadic and contain entertaining mood swings.